Parenting For Success - Getting Kids to Join For Their Own Good

What can you do to ensure your child's success in life? After school activities are an important part of a child's development and are key to allowing him to grow his self esteem and safely test out his independence. But what can you do if your child refuses to join? While there are some instances where it is perfectly fine that your child isn't a joiner (Halloween shenanigans), it's important that your child get involved in school activities for a variety of reasons. These include the opportunity to make friends, participate in community activities, take on leadership roles, develop interests and talents and grow her resume.

So if your child is reluctant to join afterschool activities or clubs, what are some of the reasons? Shyness, anxiety and the perceived inability to succeed. It's a catch-22 - once your child gets out there and starts to participate successfully, she will find that her self esteem does grow and that she becomes more confident - but she won't get the opportunity if she can never get over the first step.

Participation in an activity two to three times a week is an important step for your child to develop her social skills, so taking no for an answer probably isn't a good idea.

Here are some tips on overcoming the joiner reluctance:

1. What is your child's personality - is she comfortable in large groups or with just one or two friends. If so the large group aspect of an extracurricular activity might be the most daunting. So perhaps encourage her to join an activity with a friend so she has a buddy, or help her find a club with some strong adult mentors - a person she can bond with one on one. Note - this will require some work on your part to find groups that have a number of mentors available and who also are in tune with your family's values.

2. Let her volunteer with younger kids - Perhaps there is a community or church group that needs help with a younger group of kids. Your daughter may be all thumbs around kids her age, but have a real knack with smaller kids - or at least no feel any of the annoying social pressure. See if she can volunteer with a group like this - ensuring that she still has plenty of adult supervision. This could be just the experience your daughter needs to come out of her shell - after all she'll be the hero of all the little kids and such admiration is a great esteem booster.

3. Avoiding Burnout - sometimes kids are unmotivated as they are tired - with the increasing amount of schoolwork, activities and over scheduling of kids, some children may be shunning organized activites because they just want their own time. Take a look at your child's schedule - is homework, overlapping practices and commuting a schedule not even you could keep up? It may be time for a change. Oftentimes these schedules aren't a result of going to middle school, but really just the small cumulation of all the activities that were scheduled when your child was growing up - and with the mantra of Winners Don't Quit being drilled into our kids' heads, it may be that they are afraid to cry "Uncle"

4. Join Based on Enthusiasm - allow your child to participate in activities he or she really enjoys - rather than the ones you think are best for her. Be willing to give up your pre-conceived notions of what's right, or what you like to do and let your child choose her own activities

5. Watch for signs of burnout - it's normal for kids to want to quit the team after a bad practice and you shouldn't let them quit at the first sign of trouble. But do be on the lookout for real signs of burnout or dislike - does she keep losing her sports equipment? It may not be that she's disorganized. Ask her how she feels about an activity during some downtime, when there has been some time since she last participated. Allow her to take a break - it may just be what she needs to decide how she really feels about the activity.

6. Allow for downtime - If your child does give up one activity don't rush to replace it - perhaps she'll spend more time doing something else she really likes, growing her interest in one or two things, rather than being a Jill of all trades. You don't have to let her sit around and watch TV during her downtime (encourage reading, family time or a hobby - something restful but engaging.)

Andrea Stein is the founder of GirlMogulMagazine.com an online community for encouraging successful girls. Go to GirlMogulMom for your free report Raising a Successful Girl and see our special offer for a free book for tweens.

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